can i see your permit? April 24, 2008

i have decided that it should be totally necessary to have some sort of permit before you are allowed to dine in a restaurant. there should be a mandatory class that you have to take that teaches you how to read a menu, how to make eye contact, and how to eat without making a disgusting mess of your boof booth. having been in the service industry for about a million years too long i feel like i could write a book on all the irritating things that people do while out dining. today i was waiting on two women who had about 3 teeth between the two of them. long story short…they sucked down those damn diet cokes so quickly that they were in no way diet anymore. after the ate, i brought them their bill…they counted out exact bills and “toothless wonder #2″ opened her coin purse and dumped all of the contents (lint and all) into the check presenter and said, “here ya go, doll!”…..I suppose I should’ve gushed and fallen to my knees for her generous, linty, tobacco filled tip….but instead i took my sweet ass time picking up each coin individually. penny by mother fucking penny. how can you tip someone your spare change??? here are some other things that really REALLY get on my last nerve while waiting tables. if you do any of these things you should be tarred and feathered. for real.

When you walk through the front doors we are going to greet you with a hearty welcome. Be prepared.

Hostess: “Hellooooo! Welcome to The Cheesecake Factory! How are you?!”

Dumbass: “2″

Hostess: “Two? I’m sorry, are you two years old? I am not sure that I understand”

Dumbass: “Oh, sorry. There are 2 of us. Can we have a booth by window?”

Hostess: “Ohhhh, I see…there are two of you. Sure, you would like a booth by the window for the GORGEOUS view of the busted parking lot. RIght this way!” (as she starts to walk the party of 2 to the booth she notices a small child following them) “Oh, are you really a party of three?”

Dumbass: “Nope. Just me, my wife and little Billy”

wow….restaurant math must be different than what i learned.

LISTEN to your server when they talk to you..Trust me, they don’t want to be talking anymore than you want to be listening, but it might be important.

Server: “Hi, my name is Mindy I will be taking care of you today. Our soup today is Loaded Baked Potato. Our fish is Mahi Mahi and Salmon. Are you ready to order?”

Dumbass: “Umm…..I am not sure. What is the soup today?”

Server: “I am sorry ma’am. I am going to have to take you out back and poke you with toothpicks in the eyeballs for that dumb ass question.”

Realize that your server makes $2.13 an hour and time is money. That server can’t leave until YOU leave. Have your business meetings at your place of business…not ours.

Server: (after table has been done eating for an hour and they are STILL sitting there) “Is there ANYTHING else I can get for you?”

Dumbass: “Oh no honey..we are just fine. We are going to be here for awhile, I hope that is ok.”

Server: “No problem! I love sitting here for free while you snack on cheesecake and crunch numbers. Take your time paying me…I will be looking really forward to that 10% tip you have hiding in your pocket.” (meanwhile the server goes in the back and bitches about the table to any available ear. she continues to walk past them giving them the evil eye…but it doesn’t matter. dumbass trumps evil eye every time.)

There are so many other things that I could share….I think I will just make a list.

• If you want separate checks ask for them upfront and stay in the seats you started in. We don’t know what you look like, we don’t care to invest that much in your lives…we only know you as your position point at the table. If you get up and move don’t expect your checks to be seperated correctly.
• The bread we serve is whole wheat and sourdough. It isn’t rye. It isn’t pumpernickel. It isn’t chocolate. It isn’t black bread. It’s wheat bread. WHEAT BREAD. And yes, we know you love it.
• If you and all your girlfriends go out for lunch and decide to bring your little rugrats don’t act like you are the first pioneers to ever have pushed a living thing out of your vagina. I know you want a kids cup, I know what a “cup with a lid” is. I know you are going to order a drink and sneak it into their cup because you are cheap and think I will charge you for another soda. I know.
• If you think you are the first to arrive for your party you probably aren’t. Please don’t sit in my section and wait for minutes upon minutes only to realize that you heard your sister in law’s cackle from across the dining room. “Oh..haha, my party is already here!” Thank you ma’am. It has been a pleasure having you sit at my table. For nothing. For 30 minutes. For nothing. For. Nothing. Bitch.
• Don’t ask me what is good. There are over 200 menu items. I have no idea what you like to eat.
• The Dulce de Leche Cheesecake is not pronounced however you are trying to say it.
• If you don’t know how to say something on the menu, don’t order it. Pointing to it and acting like your mouth is full isn’t sly….I know what you are doing.
• The proper way to say “Tea” is just like saying the letter “T”. Please stop calling it “Tay”

Ok, I know I am coming across really bitter. I should win some sort of award for my acting at work, because the guests…well, they love me. They have no idea that I hate them more than anything in the whole wide world….until I become the guest. And then watch out….haha.

woop woop! April 22, 2008

She was in love!

I can’t believe how old I feel sometimes. I am only 29 28 years old. Why is it that I feel like my face is going to explode from pressure as soon as the weather becomes tolerable enough to be in?  I know allergies shouldn’t be associated with age, but I can’t help but notice that as I am getting older my body is refusing to be as awesome as it used to be.  C’mon body! (or as Lindsay would say, “See-mon”)  I just decided to get up and out of my apartment.  At the end of my street I have a great little park full of gorgeous grass and lots of people out soaking up the sunshine.  I took my pup, Riley and she ran her little heart out.  I could not stop coughing and sneezing…I feel so bad that I had to bring her home, but I think a part of me died in that park.  At least it felt that way.  This lady came up to me at the park and asked me if she could take a picture of my dog…she said that she looked just like her sisters dog.  Getting Riley to stop moving long enough for one photo was a challenge!  The lady sat her cup down to take the photo and Riley went right for it!  The lady yelled, “OH NO!!  You don’t want what is in that cup puppy!”  haha…drinking at the park with your kids.  Good thing she walked there I guess.  I sat and watched these two men playing tennis…they were very gay and played like princesses…so of course I had to watch.  I didn’t want them to know I was watching so I kept my shades on and pretended like I was looking the other direction.  Once that gave me a headache I decided to head home.

I can’t believe how busy my next couple of months are going to be!  I get to see my favorite musicians, Tegan and Sara TWICE in May!!!  I am going to head up to Indianapolis and then to Cincinatti…lots of good friends, my love, and my brother will all be there…I CAN’T WAIT!  Then, as if that isn’t enough, Lindsay and I are going to Bonnaroo! There are so many bands that I am so excited to see…but I have to admit….Tegan and Sara will be the highlight!  We will also be enjoying Rilo Kiley, Jack Johnson,  The Swell Season,  The Duhks,  Death Cab,  Against Me, Adele…too many to think of off the top of my head….but just know that I am SO looking forward to it!   Lindsay and I bought a really awesome tent.  I, of course, like it because the colors are nice, but I am sure it will serve its camping purpose too!  We are going to have a mock Bonnaroo in her backyard soon…throw the tent up, drink some beers, shower in sulfur water (if we shower at all) and make out a lot.  What I am trying to say is, NO…you are NOT invited   We are both being such girls about this whole thing…buying outfits intended solely for Bonnaroo….it just seems like there is a different sort of outfit you should wear for that kind of occasion.  What matches smelly B.O.?  Black goes with everything, right?

and so it begins… April 22, 2008

Well, I have decided that I want to start blogging like I did back in the old days of Livejournal. Seems that this site has more to offer for me…so here I am!

Maybe I should tell the world of wordpress a little about myself. I find this easiest to do in short sentences, so here goes:

• My name is Mindy, but my family calls me Moo. People that I don’t care for much tend to call me Pepper….don’t be one of those people.
• I live in Louisville, Kentucky and I LOVE it
• I am 28.
• I have 2 pets….one of which is on my NERVES! I have a dog named Riley and a cat named Monkey.
• I have a wonderful family. Momma lives in Kansas City, Missouri…brother lives in Cincinatti, Ohio…and dad lives in Ghaungzo, China. We are all over the place but somehow it makes sense.
• I have the worlds greatest girlfriend…her name is Lindsay. She likes flip flops.
• I have a job that I hate, but it will hopefully put me through college.
• I am going to be starting college for the first time this fall. GO ME!!
• I love cheese.
• I really love sharp cheddar cheese.
• I have a totally unhealthy obsession with Tegan and Sara.
• I am a musician that doesn’t play enough.
• I love to play win board games.
• My future better consist of a nice weekend place at the lake. I love me some lake time!
• My girlfriend doesn’t understand my fashion choices.
• I know the way to use e-bay.
• I like to watch really wholesome television….Full House anyone?

I suppose that is enough of that…

Today is a magical day in Louisville….

The part of town that I live in has a very movie like quality to it. I say that to Lindsay and she laughs…she only laughs because she lives in Nashville and is totally jealous of my location! There are hundreds of people out walking the streets, playing with their dogs, drinking iced tea….do these people work for a living??

Jackie Warner should have never let her hair grow out.

I hate it. I think I am going to start a petition…anyone care to join me? I think that people grow their hairs out because that is what you think you are suppossed to do…but in reality, most people look so much better with shorter hairs.

Ok kiddos…this is officially my first entry. Hopefully there will be many more to come. I have been balancing this cat of mine on my head for the last 10 minutes and I am officially over it.